A category 4 hurricane was coming our way and we had to evacuate our home. Did you know that large pressure changes, which happen during major storms, can induce labor? Wait a minute. I just said yes to our first home birth and now I might be delivering this baby in someone else’s (a complete stranger’s, nonetheless) house? Lord have mercy!
My restless nature wants to know answers and make plans, but maybe this is my crucible moment. I am the target of missionary work at this moment—the mission of Christ to make me patient and humble in the face of a society that is impatient and prideful. And so, I pour out the love I have from the Father to the only people I can in this time—my own family.
Brad and I were hanging out one evening after our kids were in bed wondering why we were so dissatisfied climbing this ladder of the American dream. Where did we fit in this life? We felt like such outcasts. Where did God want us in all of this? We owned successful businesses and could buy nice things for our house. Everybody wants that and it’s totally normal — so why were we so unsatisfied? What was wrong with us?
He did not accept it, He gave it back saying, “not like this.” This was troubling to me because I was convicted that God wanted it. Every day this happened, until the fourth day when I realized that the Lord did not want that ‘yes,’ because coupled with that ‘yes’ were expectations, fears, and anxieties. I was giving a ‘yes’ but I was not trusting the Lord with its entirety.
Instead of cleaning out my freezer, I could have been looking over the shredded remains of our home. I could have been facing the loss of everything we own. God protected us from that devastation, and although I rejoiced for a day or so, I immediately fell back into self-pity over a few hours of gross housework? How quickly I forget!
I never knew living in solidarity with the poor meant being locked away from them for weeks! I think about what St. Paul must have felt when he was imprisoned: his ministries were halted by the authorities and he was unable to share the Good News as he planned. However St. Paul did not sit idle during his confinement.
Some days I feel like I’m not doing much—I have this vision of getting up in front of the congregation, preaching the Gospel from my heart to a church full of people and playing guitar while leading beautiful hymns. Then reality hits: I don’t speak Spanish that well, and I can’t play the guitar. This missionary life has been a lesson in putting what little I have at the disposal of the Holy Spirit, even my weakness.